stream of consciousness

Whats inside of me
More than I will ever see
Eyes bearing down deep into that darkness
Within unmanifest glorious shameful black
hidden efforts
Standing on a platform restless react
who will I be in 25 years?
I'm alone but I'm not on my knees yet
Like this man with no teeth walking towards me he smiles at me from within and without
who is my enemy
why do I beg him to please me
with his mouth
with his sexual energies
I am not him
I am not his
And i will never belong to anyone

what makes me happy what makes me successful
what makes me blind and strive belong below
I belong to life's heart
life wraps me in her wrapping paper
I am a present
for someone
I am a gift
My smile the cold edges of my skin
I am warming in the sun
I am warming in the simple easy breeze
The flowers caressing me tenderly
as they unfurl

I am alone
I am not alone
each cell each fiber of my being within within
busting with darkness
bursting with light with life
microscopic microorganisms
within within within
and up there on the street light
on the post i see two birds carelessly watching, calmly watching
Looking for scraps of food
are all that they need, filling their bellies
whole and home
cooing their pigeon sighs
who am I but new york city, left, detached
boomeranging away from my origins, who made me who wove me
I resisted I hate hate hate
all the things that made me
and yet I love them I long for them, i am them
you are a stranger
you are my face in the crowd
you are forgotten concrete driving wheels under my feet
You are alone begging me for something
begging me to heal you to release you
then I'll know myself, I'll know my place
christ manifest through me
so that I may serve
the most holy light
I rise up on a ladder
I strive to pick those apples
the sweet and juicy red flesh
I reach, I bite
the juice drips down my chin
Still I reach, still I'm reaching
higher higher and higher I go
filling myself on those fruits that fall from the sky
That hang that grow from clouds
that climb that whither
that falter
that are endless that are edgeless
That are within each cell, eat fiber
this is what I'm saying
I know who I am
I belong here

Please smile for me
please smile at me
Please show me please tell me please teach me
hello hello I'm calling
somebody has left the door open
I'm really really wanting to know
who am I looking for around every corner
is it you?
please belong to me
I'm asking you
hold my hand
please don't let me dance alone.
I'm dancing alone here in the parking lot
there is nobody around but wind and grey buildings
all the cars have died all the people have died all the bees have died all the life has died
and I am driving in a car alone over a tiny bridge stuck in traffic
A big tsunami is on its way to take me
That was the dream I had

But i was warned in time
so here I am exiting
stuck in traffic
On a tiny bridge before the tsunami comes
will you be there in the waves with your smiling face
wiping me away into oblivion?
is that a peaceful place?
sometimes I long to die and go home
not in a morbid way
just in a way that i know that i will be free
my spirit in every molecule in every place
understanding that time past present future
was never a thing that bound me
yet here I am one person inside one skin looking out behind eyes
trying to be appropriate trying to fit in
trying to be an example
trying to be humble
trying to be small and trying to be beautiful
trying to be and trying to be and trying to be!
the pressure in the cooker boiling me
boiling me like beans
mushed up to be eaten in a taco
please give me mexico
please give me africa
please give me exotic foreign strange
please give me culture steeped in history thousands of years buried bones
in an old burial ground beneath the concrete
This culture we built out of plastic
this palace we built out of bones
giving and receiving on the surface
lines lights
I know its beautiful
I belong to it

I am america after all
I am new york and texas
I am stirred up in a swaddling cloth
babies in my bosom babies in my heart
I am born here again
I am born here every moment
every time i look to the sky
take in that deep infinite breath
and ground it down through my feet into the earth and up
breathing in the depths of lava smoke
breathing in the depths of hard nickel
I am safe
and I have many questions unanswered
my mind tries to untie the knots
but can't quite reach them
grappling there, fumbling there in the darkness
thank you for belonging to me
thank you for holding me
please help me find my enemy
i am thou

 

 

 

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