Bein real

I'm reflecting and realizing a pattern in myself- that it's challenging to stay vulnerable in my requests. If I'm not met with the response I want, my mind sometimes responds in a hostile way. It sometimes does this preemptively. Does anyone else have a similar thing? I've been catching myself doing it and kind of marveling at it. It seems like a defense mechanism put in place to keep me from feeling pain, but it doesn't really work. Actually it keeps me in a sort of prison, where I'm not fully expressing myself. Ideally I want to be able to be honest, speak my truth without being attached to the person's response. I want to be able to see people as separate and understand their wants and needs and be able to honor them without taking their opinion of me to heart, or their ability or inability to meet my requests as a reflection on me. I think this is the process of learning how to do that! First... being able to honestly observe my less than desired responses, my projections onto the other, and my pain at perceiving rejection. In the past I let other people's reactions to me affect my ability to speak my truth or request what I need. No more! I've been challenging myself to speak up, be transparent and honest more and more. I don't want to be submissive, nice, or subtly dishonest. I just want to be real!

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