In the darkest hour
Tears that flow like wine
Glide over the carved ravines
Of my trespasses
Settling in the lowest places where there is
no hand to hold
I hear your voice
It speaks without words
And grips me so that the tears
come and come
I am not
Able to resist this power
Who floods my soul with sorrow
And also with immeasurable joy
I'm just a vessel
A small boat on a larger ocean:
In my dream I was finally riding the waves.
All my life I've dreamed of oceans
The oceans licked my heels on the shore
The oceans rose and entered my bedroom window
The oceans loomed over me in great tsunami waves
The oceans pulled me beneath and beckoned me to be still
I held my breath and waited, hush
The dreams have come
Sometimes with whales, dolphins or sharks
Messengers from the deep who spoke to me of
a sensation of home
Where is this place we go
Beyond all death?
Why has God dealt us this immutable blow?
Repenting for all humanity
In a single tear
Like an acid wave on a broken ocean
A fevered dream
A stolen notion
Read somewhere in a faded book
From a corner store where no one looks
And the cash register guy sits grizzled behind his counter, reading
Conversations with God
I picked up the book in California, actually
Before I wasn't allowed to leave my house
Before my lungs ached
With the ash of dying Amazonian trees
Before I had to forgive presidents
I didn't even know
What is it we were made to hear
Before we felt powerless?
All naivety stripped away
I stand in the mirror, aging
Unafraid of what is to come
Open and stretching to love this hidden heart of me
Even if it's hated
Or I am misunderstood
I know me to be both great and small
Both powerful and weak
Correct, and also flailing
As the winds of change and challenge confront me in my duplicities
Where can I go?
Forgiven, forgotten laughter
I can't make them see me beyond their own projections
I can only stay where I am and hope
Beyond all hope that love will prevail
Love is the only thing that makes sense to me
That and forgiveness
Even the evilest of deeds deserve it
It's the only thing that makes sense to me
So when people get angry
I get scared
Because I don't know if they will forgive
Even me where I died
Where I died to myself and everyone
In my explosions of angry tears snot and imperfection
How can you love me through this, God?
I'm scared now
No one here to help me
My life derailed
But still
I know and I affirm I can do this
This is just a moment passing
In a field of flowers blooming and dying
Here in Texas first it's the blue bonnets
Then the Mexican hats
Then the bee balm and the daisies, last
I'm like one of these flowers
And even as I change
My spirit is eternal
I am one of these flames
Flickering and disappearing
Instantaneously replaced
I am here for something
Oh poignant fleeting life of mine
How I love thee
Make me correct so I can be the person you want me to be
Forgive me my sins and let me die to them so I can be free
Last night I finally rode the waves
I was free
And I was on top
I was courageous and whole
And I knew who I was