Ideas
I'm on a positive wavelength. One I slipped into, heart open, heart in front. In the mind, there are many pathways, many ideas, many contradictions and traps. Sometimes I think myself into a tearful hole and feel immobilized, like the splintered remains of an explosion. And then woven throughout there is a peace, there is an understanding, and an all encompassing love. A forgiveness and an acceptance of what can never be solved. It is inherently unsolvable. And so huge.
And then there is the pressing question of time, embodied life- the years ahead and the years behind. There is the ever present reality of free will, and the willful surrender of the guiding force of goodness and strength. I see it's mark on the face of beloved friends and on strangers, in the eyes of the Gods and Goddess in the Hindu paintings and the serene winking eye of the Buddha. Who are these ideals, these Gods and Goddesses who beckon us with their fearsome love and compassion. How can we tap into them and entreat them, belong to them and with them, become them and let them blossom within our selves?
And then there is the question of belief, the rabbit hole of confusion that leads us from one dead end in the maze to another. And the choice again of free will, and which path to take.
I believe that the truth is a pathless land, and yet I have seen many seekers of truth with bosoms full of love. Whatever rituals and markings they may carry, they have found something pure and holy, and in this world saturated in superficiality, I bow to them in hope and faith.
What brings me my sense of stability, my sense of I? When I put on a cute pair of jeans and walk out, I know I look good and I feel good, I feel a bit better. And yet I can see the triviality of it- this externalization of what I long for inside- a feeling of completion, of expression, of wholeness, and of beauty. Of control.
Is this wrong or bad?
Where do we draw the line?
Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and I listened to a speech he gave on the three evils of society, materialism, militarism, and racism. I wonder what makes some one greedy and what makes some one kind. I wonder at the linear, earthly and logical ways in which people live illogical lives, a part of a greater system laden with hidden potholes and falsehoods. Built on domination, competition and destruction. And I am a product and a piece of this giant web, I am here, a luminous spark, a simple embodied miracle of female. And what am I doing with my life? What contradictions burden me and what falsehoods betray me, what beauty and ignorance glisten in my smile. What honesty and frustration grace my good will, and what lies and dogmas prevent me from truly seeing myself? I am a non-self, an emanation of light in the physical. I am a reincarnated soul many light years from home. I am an alien to this rough world, a fearful, tearful little girl. And I am spider woman, tirelessly weaving my way home.
Thank you divine spark of life for this opportunity, this language to create with. It brings me infinite pleasure to be able to do so, and to share it. God bless this world.